Tag Archives: Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Destiny is a matter of choice, not chance- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

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Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch. #7

During difficult times in my life, well meaning friends and family tried to help me in their way by sharing words of wisdom.  Some phrases that come to mind are:

This too shall pass…. (Who cares? I’m miserable now…)…..What goes around, comes around…. (Who cares? I’m miserable now)…..There are plenty fish in the sea… (Who cares?  I’m miserable now)…It was meant to be …(Are you crazy????).

Now I want to be clear.  I love that people tried to help me.  I just didn’t love what they said.  The sound bites weren’t working for me and most of the time they just made me feel worse….So in my altered state, I did what any other depressed individual would do….I blamed them for not helping me….At that time in my life, everyone was to blame…. And I blamed myself too….I was not exempt….Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving…..

After a short time, I noticed that my list about taking care of me, became an extended dialogue about me.  A documentation of random thoughts, written ramblings and emotional expressions that I didn’t even know I had.  I took the time to read over my notes from time to time.  Each reading provided me with more insight about how I was feeling and why.  Even more interesting, was that I could re-read the same section at different times and feel differently depending on where I was in the recovery process.  As I wrote and read, I began to realize that I had the power to make my divorce a permanent scar that I could bronze, and wear on my sleeve forever or I could use my power to make my divorce an opportunity to start over.

The thought was amazing…..I had the chance to do things over.  I had the chance to form new beliefs about myself, my world and my future.  I was the one who needed to get me through this.  No one else could do it for me, and there was no one to blame if things didn’t go well.  My future was mine, all mine….I could choose my destiny in the direction of my dreams or hang out for years soloing in my personal dance of disappointment.

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee Kiernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization fromIowaWesleyanCollege, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home inWisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children.

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneeKiernan@gmail.com

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Operation Best Friend By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch

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Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

By Sandra Beck

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #12.

Well Saturday dawned bright and cheery. A brisk wind accompanied the smell of popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs at our local ball park where my older son was bored in the outfield. My toddler was climbing up and down the bleachers as the other parents settled in for a fun afternoon of baseball.  I was briefed early that morning for my mission by my Navy Seal. All it would take it the trigger- and the trigger was to prevent me from saying hi to my son.

Sure enough, my little son saw me and waved crying “Mommy!”  As he went to climb down, the girlfriend scooped him up and plied him with grape soda, a lolly pop and a tickle. It didn’t work. My son had not seen or spoken to me in two days thanks to my ex and his unanswered cell phone so he was ready for mom…quite frankly I was ready for a chubby, sticky hug myself.  Neither my son nor I would be deterred from saying hello.

Following my instructions to the letter I climbed the bleachers and sat down next to the girlfriend.  I put a pleasant smile on my face, but kept my eyes deadly serious.  With a low modulated voice I spoke to here. “I’m going to be your new best friend.  When you prevent me from seeing my child or interfere with my calls or at public events you will find me waiting by your car, hanging out with your friends and family,  talking to your kids. I will be your new best friend.”

She shifted nervously darting a glance at me as I smiled with a bizarrely calm grin.  “In fact, every time you interfere with my relationship with my sons I will give you a present.  You won’t know what or where, but you will definitely know it is from me. It will be like birthdays and Christmas all rolled into one.”  At that point I gave her my brightest, fakest and most insincere smile. 

“We have nothing to talk about,” she hissed as my son slid onto my lap. 

I raised up my voice loud enough for the local gossips to take note “Oh Girlfriend, we have lots to talk about.  When you slept with my husband while I was pregnant with this little one and used my company funds to pay for your seedy hotel rooms and cheap dinners  you opened the door to all sorts of communication.”,

I don’t know who was more still.  The Girlfriend or the people sitting around us pretending not to listen.  I feigned interest in the game as she fumed.  Picking up my son in preparation for a sticky treat from the snack bar, I paused at the bottom of the bleachers, “Happy Birthday,” I said as my son sang his two year old version of the same song.

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home in Acton,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style, based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.

I am the Shit By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch

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Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #11.

With my “do not stand down” mission completed, I was very happy to trot home and call my Navy Seal friend and report my success.   He gave me two new tasks for the week.  I was beginning to like this training.  Though the talk and sob of talk therapy was helpful in relieving my feelings, this new program was giving me active tasks where I could see a marked improvement.  I had share with my Navy Seal that I was uncomfortable going to the kid’s sports events because they are there and often prevent me from hugging or even saying hello to my kids because its “their” time.

 

Of course when I mean “their” I mean “her” because my ex was usually busy on the field trying to prove his balding manhood.  Insert bitter giggle here.  But it bothered me that she wouldn’t let me hug my toddler or even speak to him. Its was tangible proof that her interest in me was purely about spite and competition, not about love and motherhood.  So I was given my next task and this was a doosy.  I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but every morning he asked me to get up and look in the mirror and say, “I am the Shit.”

 

Vulgar, yes.  Effective, yes.  It always made me smile and it always made me feel powerful.  Eventually I started to believe it.  So my new task was to sit down next to the girlfriend, play with my kid and give her a message.  The message he said needed to be delivered carefully, quietly, respectfully and without menace.  Without menace? I was being trained by a Seal remember? He was all about the menace.  But like a good little student I took notes on posture, word choice, thoughtful pauses and my message to the girlfriend.   I was ready to go and Saturday was looming larger and larger as I practiced.

 

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home inActon,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

 

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.

 

There is an End to the Journey, but in the End, It’s The Journey That Matters- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

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Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch. #10

I would love to tell you that wishing for recovery was enough to make it happen.  If this was true, I’m embarrassed to say, I would be the first push everyone down and skip in line. 

It’s OK to wish.  I think it’s healthy to wish, to hope and to dream.  But stopping there and sitting back to enjoy the fruits of your non-labor will not result in the positive momentum you need to get healthier, stronger and full of bounce.  Few wishes come true by themselves.   It stinks, but it’s the truth.

So we have to keep going.  A key to recovery is to keep going.  When you can’t get out of bed, or walk into work, or feed your kids, or look at yourself in the mirror, you owe it to yourself to take a baby step.  Do not hate yourself for backsliding along this journey.  Do not berate yourself for taking the time you need to get where you want to be. You are a work in progress.  Any tiny step that you manage to eek out to advance your journey toward where you want to be, is a step in the right direction.

There is an end to the journey, but in the end, it’s the journey that matters. This statement is a powerful one for me.  I have it hanging in my office. It touches my heart.

My writings thus far have been about the divorce and aftermath that I experienced 14 years ago.  It was a crazy time for me, filled with disappointment, guilt, excitement and shame.  Part of me was ecstatic that I was finally free and part of me was a scared little kid lost in the confusion.  I feel fortunate that I made it through and managed to drag my children along with me.  When I think about that event now, it no longer has the emotional impact that it had at the time. It is no longer threatening, imposing and all encompassing.  Now when I look back, I realize that for me, it was the journey that mattered most. 

My journey of loss and recovery taught me strategies that have helped me to survive and (eventually) thrive emotionally.  At the time, I felt like that divorce was the hardest thing I would ever have to endure. The thought that I would need to tap into those bounce strategies again in my lifetime, never even entered mind.

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee Kiernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization fromIowaWesleyanCollege, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home inWisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneeKiernan@gmail.com

Simply Turn and Walk Away By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch

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Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

By Sandra Beck, Bouncing with Style

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #10

By now you can imagine I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. No friends in town. No family in town.  Just poor little me sitting at home afraid to go out other than to the grocery store or the gym for fear I might hear yet more painfully untrue gossip about myself.  You would think I would get used to it.  I would harden my heart and walk bravely into the sunset.  Nope. Not me. Every time it hurt to hear the lies and distorted truth about myself.  The more I heard, the more I retreated until one day I had had enough.

 

One of my long time friends, a Navy Seal wrote to me and said he talk to our common friend who told him I was struggling.  This Navy Seal began with me over the phone assertiveness training and some down right offensive tactics.  He taught me how to stand, how to speak and more importantly he taught me how to get my point across to the source of the gossip without appearing threatening, insulting or abrasive.  He taught me how to influence the situation with some very unorthodox tactics.

 

First I was to get out of the house and appear at local events and if I was to run into the happy couple I was to put a bland look on my face and stare at them long enough to make eye contact with a flat stare. Then I was to simply turn and walk away.  Next I was to lean on my car and watch them walk by with a half-smirk.   I did these two tasks and something wonderful happened. I didn’t run away. I didn’t fall apart.  I stood my ground and confronted the couple in a very quiet, non-confrontational way.  I don’t think they were even aware of this tactic but it helped me feel in control of my own situation.  This was about me – not about them.  In fact, most of it was.

 

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home inActon,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

 

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.

 

You are What You Eat- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

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Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch. #9

I eat. A lot.  Mostly I crave salty crunchy snacks…..But really anything unhealthy and remotely related to chips will do in a pinch…..or at any other time for that matter. 

My coping by emotional eating was all me….No one else was shoving these morsels of emotionally satisfying deliciousness into my stomach and I needed to be a big girl (no pun intended) and accept this to be true. I reluctantly began to take note of how I ate, when I ate, the volume of what I ate and why I ate. 

It was a big baby step, but I committed to thinking healthier thoughts surrounding my eating. I felt capable thinking about it……It’s kind of like sitting and watching an exercise video on TV……You are gaining knowledge, thinking about the benefits and considering doing it…maybe one day….but just not there yet. 

That’s where I started. 

I also added a page in my notebook dedicated to the words: No excuses… No more excuses. No more excuses….It was time.  Time to seriously be responsible for me and my personal recovery….No one else could do it for me….I could see that now.   I needed to commit to me, to be in charge of my life and my body, both emotionally and physically.  I remember thinking that just thinking about my food intake and choices, was a monumental and emotionally exhausting move. 

I promised myself that once I felt stronger, I would begin designing and walking the path to where I wanted my life to be and start living the life I so desperately wanted to have.

 

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee Kiernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization fromIowaWesleyanCollege, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home inWisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneeKiernan@gmail.com

The Gossip Chain By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratc

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Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

By Sandra Beck, Bouncing with Style

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #9

 With my newfound freedom I found newfound heartache.  The year I had spent working on myself by reading, writing, walking and being silent left a huge void in my local community as to who I was and what was going on with me.  Not that it was anyone’s business but when a happy mom of two falls off the map, the gossiping begins.  It didn’t help that the girlfriend of my ex had been filling that void with her half-wit analysis of me along with a heavy dose of make me look like a fool to cover her sins.

 

My personal favorite was the line of gossip started by the ex that claimed I was so mean to my husband that she just felt so sorry for him she fell in love with him.  Now that I am single, the last thing I think about for a man in my life is how sorry I am for him. She not so deftly painted me with an evil brush to make her affair with my husband while I was pregnant with his child seem less egregious.

 

It was interesting, yet horrifying, like watching the after effects of a car wreck, to walk around town at school and local events and hear from the very willing gossip mongers to patch me in to latest on my social life.  Apparently I was a depressed, near suicidal workaholic with a sex addiction and lesbian tendencies who happened to be a compulsive liar coupled by a maniacally powerful mean streak.  Oh! And I was a bad mother, too.  With all this press, I did what I knew best to do. I hid. I went back into my black box for some more personal work and some serious chickening out.

 

I didn’t want to explain. I didn’t want to defend myself and I certainly didn’t want to honor the crap that had been spewed about town about my personal life. It was too much. I didn’t know anyone here and I wasn’t about to make a new friend when the only local friend left with my husband. I vowed that I would stay single the rest of my life, never make a new friend and be the worlds sexiest hermit.

 

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home inActon,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

 

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.