Tag Archives: Rebuilding after Divorce

Control Freak- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Standard
Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing With Style. #14

Let’s talk about control.  I like control.  I’m assuming you like control as well. Although most of us don’t like to admit it….It makes us feel better to control things.  It gives us a sense of order, security and power.  The problem is that the control freak within us tends to gain strength & momentum when we are feeling that our lives feel the most out of control and we feel the worst about ourselves.

My life and environment have been out of control on many occasions.  And of course, each time I tried harder to control it all.  The part that can get us into trouble is trying to control our feelings, control others and control the things that are and should be out of our control.  You know what I’m talking about.

My personal observation is that it is much easier (and far less emotionally risky) to focus on controlling everyone else than it is to feel and acknowledge our sadness and anger.  To experience our emotions and really give them the attention they deserve is hard work and it is exhausting.  So we tend to do something a bit less taxing…..Control others and whatever else we can focus on.  I get it. 

Maybe there is some sense of satisfaction making others bend to our will, but it’s a short term fix……and sure to backfire.  We can’t and shouldn’t control our kids, relatives, friends, enemies, neighbors, co workers, the world…..etc etc.  This is a one way ticket to frustration land….There is no way out and no way to “win”.  We find ourselves consumed with anger wandering around wondering why people can’t just do what we think they should do, when we want them to do it, the way that we think is best. 

Oh please…..Get over it.

 

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee KIernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization from Iowa Wesleyan College, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home in Wisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneekiernan@gmail.com

Advertisements

Points to Ponder- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Standard

 

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing With Style. #13

 

Pain is real. Pain is personal. Pain is an equal opportunity visitor.  It doesn’t discriminate.

Be sad.  Be angry. Be scared.

Do it fully. Live it. Feel it.  Give yourself the time to experience as many emotions as you can. 

Blame for a while.  Blame yourself. Blame someone else. Blame everyone else….Just for awhile. 

Accept the reality that no one can or will take care of you….. except for you. 

Really.

Give yourself permission to mourn.  Give yourself permission to recover.

Recovery is real.  Recovery is personal. It takes time.

Recovery includes being good to yourself.  Really good to yourself. 

Own yourself.  Own your feelings, Own your reality. Own your actions.  Own your life.  Own your recovery.

Listen to yourself.  Really listen… to your thoughts, your feelings, your fears, your body, your instincts, your heart, your words.

Be patient. Give yourself time. The time you need.

The time you need to recover.  The time you need to heal.

 

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee KIernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization from Iowa Wesleyan College, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home in Wisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneekiernan@gmail.com

 

Sleeping with Superheroes- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Standard
Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing With Style. #11

Following the divorce, I ran on empty…3-5 hours of sleep at night, raising five kids (ages 5-16) alone….(except for 4 days/month when they stayed with their Dad),…..working 40+ hours/week as a Director in a marketing firm and attending a 2 year full time program to complete an MBA. 

Life was chaotic…..In and around work and school, I was a full time Mom (and sometimes, Dad) to my children and the sole owner of an endless mountain of additional responsibilities.  Just to barely maintain our household,  2-3 loads of dishes were done daily, 30 loads of laundry weekly, tons of grocery shopping, meal planning, prep and cleanup (even frozen pizza requires some effort and planning!), homework for myself, homework with the kids, bills, sports, music lessons and school functions.

Organization in our home meant the laundry basket stationed in the corner of the living room where we piled all of the mail, school papers, lists, bills and other important upcoming, incoming and outgoing information.  It did help a bit….. There was only one place (more or less) that we had to search through to locate those things when needed … When one is in crisis, they go into crisis management.  And that’s what I did.  I managed my crisis as well as I could.  I worked diligently to keep up with the kids, keep up with work, keep up with school and keep up (barely) maintaining the house.  This was my reality, and it did not leave much time for anything else….and in an effort to control my environment and keep pace with the chaos, I cut back on many of my needs.  This included much needed sleep.

I had read fantasy stories about people who would relax in the evening, climb into their comfy bed, read a book and fall into a dreamy, fulfilling night of solid slumber for 8 hours or more.  These same superheroes would then awaken on time, fully rested, without an alarm clock, feeling chipper and looking awesome.  Although, I doubted these people were real, and I honestly couldn’t fathom that this type of lifestyle truly existed, in my heart of hearts, I lusted after it and found myself hoping that maybe, just maybe, it could be true. 

I had become an exhausted, zombie like shell of a woman, complete with….slouched shoulders, lifeless arms, glazed eyes, dragging feet and unintelligible moaning.

In my self induced catatonic state, I secretly complimented myself on how well I was conquering my pain.  How in control I was. Moving forward. Stepping up.  Staying strong and showing the world that I was fine…Just fine.

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee KIernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization from Iowa Wesleyan College, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home in Wisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneekiernan@gmail.com

Getting What You Deserve- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Standard
Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing With Style. #12

There is no way around it, being good to yourself is mandatory for recovery. Being good to yourself gives you permission to deserve and accept goodness.  That’s a tricky reality, and one that takes time to get into.  Many of us are not programmed to believe that we deserve good things….and I don’t just mean just material “things”, I mean the intangibles as well.

My list of what I needed and wanted for me included lots of basic survival things like drinking water, cutting back on coffee (to one pot/day J), eating better and  making an effort to look as “together and functioning” as I could.  I began wearing some sort of makeup everyday (seriously),  spending at least 2 minutes on my hair and trying to pay some attention to the clothing that I ran out of the house in every morning…..These steps were beneficial and went a long way to helping me look and feel better. 

 Once I started doing just a few simple acts of caring for myself, I started demanding more. I liked the time I spent with me.  I liked the peaceful, routine and predictability of self care. I really wanted more. On New Year’s Eve that year, my resolution and promise to myself was that I would get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep each night. 

In Bouncing With Style: Starting over but not from Scratch, Sandra and I openly share our personal traumas and triumphs.  Many things that we’ve done are embarrassing and humbling.  Many more are really embarrassing and unbelievable …..But we are who we are, and have lived what we have lived.   We have learned much from our experiences.

 

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee KIernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization from Iowa Wesleyan College, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home in Wisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneekiernan@gmail.com

Operation Best Friend By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch

Standard
Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

By Sandra Beck

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #12.

Well Saturday dawned bright and cheery. A brisk wind accompanied the smell of popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs at our local ball park where my older son was bored in the outfield. My toddler was climbing up and down the bleachers as the other parents settled in for a fun afternoon of baseball.  I was briefed early that morning for my mission by my Navy Seal. All it would take it the trigger- and the trigger was to prevent me from saying hi to my son.

Sure enough, my little son saw me and waved crying “Mommy!”  As he went to climb down, the girlfriend scooped him up and plied him with grape soda, a lolly pop and a tickle. It didn’t work. My son had not seen or spoken to me in two days thanks to my ex and his unanswered cell phone so he was ready for mom…quite frankly I was ready for a chubby, sticky hug myself.  Neither my son nor I would be deterred from saying hello.

Following my instructions to the letter I climbed the bleachers and sat down next to the girlfriend.  I put a pleasant smile on my face, but kept my eyes deadly serious.  With a low modulated voice I spoke to here. “I’m going to be your new best friend.  When you prevent me from seeing my child or interfere with my calls or at public events you will find me waiting by your car, hanging out with your friends and family,  talking to your kids. I will be your new best friend.”

She shifted nervously darting a glance at me as I smiled with a bizarrely calm grin.  “In fact, every time you interfere with my relationship with my sons I will give you a present.  You won’t know what or where, but you will definitely know it is from me. It will be like birthdays and Christmas all rolled into one.”  At that point I gave her my brightest, fakest and most insincere smile. 

“We have nothing to talk about,” she hissed as my son slid onto my lap. 

I raised up my voice loud enough for the local gossips to take note “Oh Girlfriend, we have lots to talk about.  When you slept with my husband while I was pregnant with this little one and used my company funds to pay for your seedy hotel rooms and cheap dinners  you opened the door to all sorts of communication.”,

I don’t know who was more still.  The Girlfriend or the people sitting around us pretending not to listen.  I feigned interest in the game as she fumed.  Picking up my son in preparation for a sticky treat from the snack bar, I paused at the bottom of the bleachers, “Happy Birthday,” I said as my son sang his two year old version of the same song.

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home in Acton,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style, based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.

I am the Shit By Sandra Beck of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch

Standard
Sandra Beck  co-author Bouncing with Style

Sandra Beck co-author Bouncing with Style

Starting Over but Not from Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. #11.

With my “do not stand down” mission completed, I was very happy to trot home and call my Navy Seal friend and report my success.   He gave me two new tasks for the week.  I was beginning to like this training.  Though the talk and sob of talk therapy was helpful in relieving my feelings, this new program was giving me active tasks where I could see a marked improvement.  I had share with my Navy Seal that I was uncomfortable going to the kid’s sports events because they are there and often prevent me from hugging or even saying hello to my kids because its “their” time.

 

Of course when I mean “their” I mean “her” because my ex was usually busy on the field trying to prove his balding manhood.  Insert bitter giggle here.  But it bothered me that she wouldn’t let me hug my toddler or even speak to him. Its was tangible proof that her interest in me was purely about spite and competition, not about love and motherhood.  So I was given my next task and this was a doosy.  I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but every morning he asked me to get up and look in the mirror and say, “I am the Shit.”

 

Vulgar, yes.  Effective, yes.  It always made me smile and it always made me feel powerful.  Eventually I started to believe it.  So my new task was to sit down next to the girlfriend, play with my kid and give her a message.  The message he said needed to be delivered carefully, quietly, respectfully and without menace.  Without menace? I was being trained by a Seal remember? He was all about the menace.  But like a good little student I took notes on posture, word choice, thoughtful pauses and my message to the girlfriend.   I was ready to go and Saturday was looming larger and larger as I practiced.

 

Internet Brand Strategist Sandra Beck, owner of Motherhood Incorporated is also the host of Motherhood Talk Radio and Military Mom Talk Radio powered by Toginet Communications.  A powerful advocate for mothers’ right to choose what is best for their family and using technology to make those choices possible, Sandra Beck paves the way for women today to determine the course of their own lives and live their best possible life.  Sandra Beck makes her home inActon,California. She is the single mother of two young boys, Max and Zachary Levin and she is the author of The Smart Woman’s Guide to Working from Home and Blogphoria – How to Reach Millions without Spending a Dime.

 

Sandra Beck has authored a Life Coaching Lesson Series  titled  Starting Over but Not From Scratch and author of Bouncing with Style. based on her experience as a stay at home mother, full time working mother, part time working mother and self employed mother working from home.  It is her hope that these articles help women create their own life with respect to their needs of themselves and their family.  These articles are offered for informational purposes only and are not intended to take the place of a licensed professional.

 

There is an End to the Journey, but in the End, It’s The Journey That Matters- By Danee Kiernan of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting Over but Not From Scratch

Standard

 

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

Danee Kienan co-author Bouncing with Style

By Danee Kiernan

Life is Almost Always Good and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch. #10

I would love to tell you that wishing for recovery was enough to make it happen.  If this was true, I’m embarrassed to say, I would be the first push everyone down and skip in line. 

It’s OK to wish.  I think it’s healthy to wish, to hope and to dream.  But stopping there and sitting back to enjoy the fruits of your non-labor will not result in the positive momentum you need to get healthier, stronger and full of bounce.  Few wishes come true by themselves.   It stinks, but it’s the truth.

So we have to keep going.  A key to recovery is to keep going.  When you can’t get out of bed, or walk into work, or feed your kids, or look at yourself in the mirror, you owe it to yourself to take a baby step.  Do not hate yourself for backsliding along this journey.  Do not berate yourself for taking the time you need to get where you want to be. You are a work in progress.  Any tiny step that you manage to eek out to advance your journey toward where you want to be, is a step in the right direction.

There is an end to the journey, but in the end, it’s the journey that matters. This statement is a powerful one for me.  I have it hanging in my office. It touches my heart.

My writings thus far have been about the divorce and aftermath that I experienced 14 years ago.  It was a crazy time for me, filled with disappointment, guilt, excitement and shame.  Part of me was ecstatic that I was finally free and part of me was a scared little kid lost in the confusion.  I feel fortunate that I made it through and managed to drag my children along with me.  When I think about that event now, it no longer has the emotional impact that it had at the time. It is no longer threatening, imposing and all encompassing.  Now when I look back, I realize that for me, it was the journey that mattered most. 

My journey of loss and recovery taught me strategies that have helped me to survive and (eventually) thrive emotionally.  At the time, I felt like that divorce was the hardest thing I would ever have to endure. The thought that I would need to tap into those bounce strategies again in my lifetime, never even entered mind.

Danee Kiernan is a writer, parent, entrepreneur and co-author of Bouncing with Style: Starting over but Not From Scratch: Starting over but Not From Scratch.  She connects with others based on her experiences as a full time woman, full time mom (adoptive, birth & foster), stay at home mom, working woman and business owner.  She hopes that sharing her experiences openly will help others to find their bounce.  Danee is a powerful advocate for women’s rights, especially every woman’s right to choose her own destiny and build the life that she desires.

Danee Kiernan earned a BS degree in Elementary Education with an early childhood specialization fromIowaWesleyanCollege, and an MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Danee believes in the importance of love, family and pursuing dreams.   She makes her home inWisconsin, where she and husband Jim, are thoroughly enjoying the experience of raising their 12 children. 

You can reach Danee Kiernan at daneeKiernan@gmail.com